Doubling Back

My husband has a hard-fast rule that there is to be NO doubling back when driving on road trips…you know when you mistakenly pass your exit and instead of making a quick u-turn you keep going-insisting that there’s another way to your destination.  I totally understand the logic-

It’s a time waster...

There’s got to be a different route…

While I understand the logic, I’m not sure that it’s always the wisest decision to make. Why not stop, examine the situation and turn around and get back on the best path, rather than continuing in a direction that is unfamiliar.  Why take the risk of driving into unfamiliar territory? Isn’t it ok to admit you’re lost? Isn’t that a show of humility?

I must admit that I am in a season of ‘doubling back’. I am returning home to be with my children, leaving a career I LOVED, leaving awesome co-workers…leaving that income.  To come back home. 

I say “back” because this time last year I was a stay at home mom.  I cared for my husband, children and home, with passion. But then along came a job offer, it was that “dream” job and it just seemed silly to pass it up.  An opportunity to contribute financially, an opportunity to ‘be myself’,

Finally an answer to “what about me”? Have you ever asked that?

I accepted the position, gave it everything I had, not realizing I’m only one person and in giving my job everything I had, it left little for those I truly cared for; my husband and children.  But this depletion came stealthily, I started out just part time, and then the offer came to work full time, included a pay raise. I had to take it, right?

I would just find a full time sitter for my youngest and we would OK. We were ok, until we weren’t ok, emotionally.  We had extra money, but I had no extra energy.

I couldn’t find the energy to cook, take the time to read to my little ones, much less ensure that my husband’s needs (such as clean laundry) were lightened.

Some free advice: When your kid asks for a vegetable rather than the usual veggie chip, you might have a problem.

Relaxing meals at the dinner table became places of half completed homework, fights, yelling and a clear exhibit of impatience.  My snappy comments and curt language was becoming infectious and within a month we were each biting each other’s head off.  Sounds like a loving Christian home huh, are you envious yet?  

The next month I got smart, I tried all kinds of solutions. I found a full-time sitter that would provide home cooked meals for my youngest. I ordered a meal plan service to help at dinner time. And began to utilize after care services for my school age children.

But our home was still a wreck.  

I won’t bore you with months 3 and 4. Lets just say that month 5 is when I realized, Tori, you need to double back.  You need to reset your life.  Just hit the brakes, no matter who is disappointed.

At this point you are out of balance and not caring for the ones the Lord blessed you with.  My husband is great, and the realization that I have neglected him for something else sickened me to my core. 

I literally couldn’t sleep and kept asking the Lord for a ‘nice’ way out of this problem.  Like maybe they’ll decide they don’t need me full time, so I don’t have to take a stand.  Yes I was looking for the punk way out of this situation. 

I am so grateful for a loving Father who let me know that doubling back isn’t a problem or necessarily a bad thing.  He caused me to pause and look at the last few months and truly access the situation.

Did I mention that I’m a pastor’s wife and a pretty good bible teacher?  Now ask me the last time I taught anything in our church? Thankfully correction came quickly.

I learned to stand on His Word and realize that He is our provider and if I’m going to have a full plate, it better have my husband and kids on it.

I had the hard conversation with my boss and co worker.  I sat and typed up a letter of resignation. I pinned down my date of departure.  In ink. Irrevocable.  Do I regret it? Absolutely not!

I’m grateful for His Spirit that wouldn’t let me find rest in the midst of this season of imbalance.

That was May 22, 2017. I exited the highway of imbalance and merged back on the highway of order, and everything is flowing nicely.

When I look back I can’t believe the way my life has changed since then.  Harmony is back in our home. I have a new focus and direction, which includes this website and blog. 

As you have read this maybe you realize this you.  You’re not ready to admit that you’re lost.  I get it!

Go ahead and admit you need to double back. Ask the Father to reset your life onto the right path.

Do you need to evaluate some areas of your life or marriage? Are you persistently plowing forward when you could just stop and ask for direction?

I’ve shared a little about myself, now tell me about yourself in the comment section below and lets together build a community that will stop and pray for direction.

Father, In Psalm 37, Your Word promises us that You direct our paths when we delight ourselves in You. Rekindle the fire of delight in us O God. I ask You to be with every reader and give them light for their journey. May they boldly seek after Your glory in their lives as You give direction and protection to pursue the right things for Your glory and Your purposes. Amen.